Last night, my little brother asked me to dance with him before his bedtime to a song titled “Uncle Johnny” by the Killers. We danced in his room like mad people, blasting the music over my mom’s phone call in the next room, stomping to the drum beat in circles, exclaiming that our appetites ain’t got no heart when my mom asked us to turn it down. It was genuine; pure fun with my eleven year old, little brother.

After the song was done, I layed down with him for a bit until he went to sleep then went to my room. I sat up in my bed thinking about how much I love my little brother for over a half hour before I got to thinking how much I sort of just really love everyone -in the most innocent, and maybe naive way possible. Then I got this extremely overwhelming fit of joy. When I say overwhelming, I really mean it. I either feel everything all at once or nothing at all sometimes.

I closed my eyes to try and calm myself down but it wouldn’t work. It all flashed in my mind like a film as soon as I closed my eyes. All of a sudden I couldn’t stop thinking about how amazing sycamore tree bark was and how great the sky was yesterday’s late afternoon while walking home. and orange tree limbs. and cute crooked smiles. and unexpected georgia phone calls. and sad blue houses I just want to paint a different colour. and places I want to show people in my memories but can’t. and tall reflected buildings. and the beauty of god damn nearly everything and everyone I could think of. but really, most of all, sycamore tree bark.

I’m telling you, it had me wild for no reason at all and for a thousand reasons at the same time. I couldn’t take it. By then I had my head burried in my pillow and my heart feeling as though it might implode. I grabbed my arms because I didn’t know what the hell to do with my hands, and I was just thinking “oh fuck.” Ever have that feeling?

Then I really just wanted to give someone a damn hug or something. I felt this very strong urge to want to show someone kindness and warmth and show love for the sake of keeping love unendangered, and love someone for the sake of loving. I was so happy by the simplicity of this thought that I was crying.

I couldn’t help but notice the bittersweet feeling in the crevice of it all though. In my fit of joy, my happiness, I came to realize, I was curled up in a ball, crying, face dug in my pillow, half laughing, half in pain, fully confused about what the hell was happening, and hard of breath.

I can’t really explain it. I’m not sure why I was crying. Maybe it wasn’t about beauty at all. Maybe it wasn’t about sycamore tree bark. or about painting blue houses. Maybe it was just how bittersweet everything is. and how bittersweet I must have looked half laughing, half in pain. and how bittersweet it is to want to show someone love. and how bittersweet it is to watch your little brother fall asleep.